The Things We Do for … Sex

All of us know the pain of heartache. That love hurts is no mystery. But does emotional pain hurt more than physical? I’m not here to decide, because I want to discuss something else – sex. Or better yet, the painful things we do to get some.

A common female delusion is that we have to look perfect in order to get laid. So we obsess about stuff like cellulite, body hair and excess fat. A few months ago I got a massage gift card and I decided to get an anti-cellulite massage. Guess what? It’s not relaxing, it’s not a deep tissue “massage”, no – they BEAT you. A tiny Thai woman came in all polite and coy and then spanked the hell out of me. I got home and noticed a nasty bruise on my thigh. Love hurts? No. Pre-coital preparations hurt.

Cellulite is unappealing, no question about it, but nobody likes a hairy woman as well. I don’t like a hairy woman myself. Whether you shave it, pluck it, wax it – just remove the hair. Especially facial hair not belonging on a woman’s face, shrub sprouting on your legs and last but DEFINITELY not the least – pubic hair. Facial deforestation can be annoying, true. And everybody knows that waxing your legs can’t be pleasant. Let’s face it – some wax (usually scorching hot) is spread on your skin, then covered with a strip and BAM! Hundreds of hairs (all firmly rutted with no intention of leaving your body any time soon) get plucked at the same time, taking some of your skin along for the ride. And then you have to repeat the process over and over again, of course. What’s with men’s obsession with a hairless body? Aren’t we the weaker, gentles sex, so we are the ones who should demand smoothness all over! Big strong butch men should be able to handle some hair, shouldn’t they?!

The things I personally did and do for a squeaky smooth “entrance” are no picnic. And no 5 course meal at a slow food restaurant either. Body hair is just not my cup of tea so I’ve been getting a Brazilian wax for quite some time. A year ago, I decided to try out IPL. For those of you who don’t know what it is – it’s a hair removal laser. A modern torture device. It has a 10 cm² prism, through which it shoots rays of red light, the light is caught by each individual hair in its path, sending down a wave of heat of 70° Celsius, but that’s not the fun part. When it hits the root of that each individual hair, the root explodes. 10 cm² of hair all exploding at once at 70°? Think about it – you don’t wash your coloured clothes in water hotter than 50°. How many rays it took to cover the area? 123. That’s one hundred and twenty-three. To say that it hurts is an understatement. I had 4 procedures done. Yes, I am a trooper. And a moron. I thought it’d thin my hair, which it did, so the Brazilian would hurt less, which it doesn’t. Along with the hair, it also thinned the upper layer of my skin and now waxing my privates hurts even more.

Before taking my vacation, I got a Brazilian and for 3 days it felt like my vagina had been raped by a medusa. So it got me thinking … I like puppies and stuffed animals and plush blankets – what’s wrong with a little bit of body hair?

Some final food for thought: Do you find this attractive? It’s got no hair and is a pussy.

Peet

Pics courtesy of Google