When in Doubt – Google

     You know when you want to sign into you Gmail, Yahoo or any other account and all you have to do is type the first letter of your username and your computer so kindly offers you the entire thing? Comes in handy, doesn’t it? Well, my computer didn’t do that until recently. We had to format our PC and with that, all of our Internet settings went down the drain. One day, it really started to piss me off so I decided to try and fix the problem. I thought who better to ask than Google, of course.


      For a few seconds, I stared at the glaring whiteness of the screen, completely stuck because I had no clue how to word the question, the issue itself or anything concerning my problem. But then a thought crossed my mind: “I’ll just start typing, Google will know what I want and offer me some suggestions.” So I started: “How to…”

       And Google said: “How to tie a tie?”

       “No, that’s not it …”

       “How to train a dragon?”


       “How to draw maybe?”

       “Wait, what?”

      Suggestions got weirder and weirder and I had to ask myself: “Who writes these things??” I had a vague idea how these entries come to be, but I checked to be sure and as it turned out, I presumed correctly. These real-time suggestions are based on most commonly searched phrases. At Google, they call this application search-as-you-type, which helps their users to auto-complete queries according to what the most searched phrases among all of the Goggle users are, and offers top 10 searched phrases. Lovely, isn’t it, how technology facilitates our lives? Not exactly. I decided to have some fun and see what my fellow humans are searching for – as it turns out, we are idiots.

      If you type down “how to”, the 4th suggestion is “how to print screen”. Really? You have a key on your keyboard that says print screen and you still have to ask that? The 6th suggestion is “how to roll a joint”. Your mum must be so proud … You can’t learn that off the internet, sweetie, practice makes perfect, trust me.

      Next I tried typing “why do” and obviously everybody wants to know “why do cats purr”. “Why do we fall” was the 3rd, “why do we sleep” was the 5th and “why do we exist” was the 8th suggestion. Some might call this an example of healthy curiosity, some might call this an existential crisis, I would call this a retard invasion. Or apparent marijuana over-abuse. Although nobody seems to know how to roll a joint.

      When I put down “why does my”, Google thought I wanted to know “why does my mum turn me on”. It could be funny, but I think it’s just scary how many teenage boys jerk off to their mothers. If I added a “b”, Google obligingly finished my sentence: “Why does my belly button smell” (number 1), “why does my bum itch” (number 7) and “why does my biceps look weird” (number 10). The first two ponderings can easily be answered: “Because you need a shower!” As for the last one, I can only say: “Because you’re excessively masturbating while thinking of your mother – those are called muscles.”

      Then I tried “why do I” and the first suggestion was “why do I live”. Again with this bullshit? Ok, I admit, it is sad to some extent that there obviously are so many lost souls out there but to look for answers to such questions on the Internet is just bizarre. The 3rd option was “why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer”, which is in my opinion connected to the 5th one: “Why do I smoke weed?” The 7th was “why do I feel different from other people”, but I’m also convinced that the answer lies in the 5th suggestion.

      The next set is adorable. I started with “why is” and Google first suggested: “Why is the sky blue?” Come on!! That’s a 4-year-old-level question!! 4-year-olds don’t know how to spell or type! Who asks these questions?? How stupid are we?! But then suggestions got even better: “Why is my poop green” (3rd), “why is art important” (6th) and “why is weed illegal” (9th). It’s as though the entire Internet was taken over by extremely stoned individuals trying to find answers on the World Wide Web instead of talking amongst themselves like any group of respectful potheads would do. And the last, the 10th most searched phrase starting with “why is” was “why is my Internet so slow”. Because Google taught you how to roll a joint and now you’re high out of your mind. That’s why.

      Lastly I decided to type “how do you know” and these suggestions are my favourite. The 5th suggestion was “how do you know if she loves you” and the 7th “how do you know if he likes me”, which can mean several things:

      a) That boys are more desperate and clueless than girls.

      b) That girls are more complicated and difficult to figure out than boys.

      c) There are more boys in the world and/or on the Internet than girls.

Either way, it warms my heart.

      There are so many inventions, which make our lives easier by thinking for us. We are more than happy to forfeit the ability to use our mind, neglecting or forgetting the fact that our brain should be exercised otherwise it atrophies. I think our race would be better off if more people started to ask Google “how not to become a moron” instead of asking “why do dogs lick”.


For more photos, click here.


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